Self-Acceptance as a Sub

Self-acceptance in the context of submission can be a complex journey rife with conflicting emotions, societal judgments, and internal moral quandaries. This lesson will guide you through the process of embracing your submissive desires, even those that might seem at odds with your beliefs or social values. We will also discuss how to reconcile these desires with your identity outside of the BDSM world.

The Complexity of Desire

It’s not uncommon to find certain aspects of your desires troubling. Whether due to societal conditioning or a conflict with personal values like feminism or religious beliefs, you may find it difficult to embrace your submissive tendencies wholly.

• Social Judgements: Society often has a lot to say about non-normative sexual practices and identities, but remember, your personal desires don’t have to conform to societal expectations.
• Inner Conflict: You might also find your submissive desires at odds with other aspects of your identity, such as your feminism, political beliefs or ethical code.

Reconciling with Your Beliefs

Submission in a BDSM context does not have to be at odds with your real-world beliefs and values. Here’s how you can reconcile the two:

1. Contextualise: Understand that the role you take in a BDSM setting does not have to define you in your day-to-day life.
2. Consent & Equality: BDSM is based on consensual power exchange. The submissive has as much power in negotiation and consent as the Dominant. The submissive has the power to stop all play, “Subs have the power!”
3. Letting go: Many find submission freeing, providing a space for vulnerability, trust, and relinquishing societal roles and stressors.
4. Empowerment: For some, submission can be an opportunity to subvert and reclaim experiences of societal or personal discrimination or abuse.

Embracing the Unpalatable

Coming to terms with your more uncomfortable desires takes courage and introspection.

• Reflect: Identify why specific elements make you uncomfortable. Are they at odds with your public persona, ethics, or other parts of your identity?
• Dialogue: Talk openly about your feelings and concerns with trusted friends or partners who understand BDSM dynamics.

Homework

1. Journaling Exercise: Write down the elements of your submissive desires that you find uncomfortable. Next to each, jot down why it makes you uncomfortable and how it conflicts with your other beliefs or self-images.
2. Discussion: Engage in an open dialogue about your internal conflicts with your Dominant partner or a trusted friend.
3. Reading Assignment: Explore articles and essays by people who have gone through a similar reconciliation process. This can offer a new perspective and ways to come to terms with your desires.

Sources and Further Reading:

Articles:

1. “Safe, Sane, and Consensual: Consent and the Ethics of BDSM” published in The British Journal of Aesthetics.
   • This paper delves into the ethical considerations in BDSM, specifically focusing on the concept of consent, which is also a significant topic in feminist discourse.
2. “Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy” by Staci Newmahr
   • This book provides an ethnographic study of the BDSM community, exploring themes of vulnerability, trust, and agency that intersect with feminist thought.
3. “A Feminist Guide to BDSM” by Jera Brown.
   • You’ll find some great starting points and some things to consider as you explore (or entertain exploring) BDSM from an intersectional feminist perspective.
4. “Power and Agency in the Dungeon: Exploring Feminist Understandings of BDSM” by Rachel Perry
   • Though BDSM is often regarded as a controversial, taboo practice, it nonetheless has increasingly made its way into mainstream media over the past several decades.

Books:

1. “The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure” by Tristan Taormino
   • Short Description: Includes chapters that specifically discuss BDSM in a feminist context.
   • Link to Book: Amazon
2. “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism” by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
   • Short Description: This book explains the fundamentals of safe and consensual BDSM activities, with a section on how they align with feminist thought.
   • Link to Book: Amazon
3. “At the Boundaries of Law: Feminism and Legal Theory” edited by Martha Albertson Fineman and Nancy Sweet Thomadsen
   • Short Description: This is an anthology that includes discussion on feminism and alternative sexualities, including BDSM.
   • Link to Book: Amazon
4. “Thinking Kink: The Collision of BDSM, Feminism and Popular Culture” by Catherine Scott
   • Short Description: A critical analysis of the relationship between feminism and BDSM, particularly how it is depicted in mainstream media.
   • Link to Book: Amazon

Scientific Research

1. “BDSM Role Fluidity: A Mixed-Methods Approach to Investigating Switches Within Dominant/Submissive Binaries”
   • Description: This study delves into the fluid nature of dominant and submissive roles, providing empirical support for the complexity of BDSM roles. Read the study
2. “Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners”
   • Description: Published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, this research aims to break down common misconceptions about the mental health of those involved in BDSM, focusing on the characteristics that make submissives unique. Read the study
3. “Sensation-Seeking, Coping With Stress, and Readiness to Engage in Therapy: Does Ego Development Influence the Psychopathology and Psychodynamics of BDSM Practitioners?”
   • Description: This paper examines how BDSM practitioners, including submissives, cope with stress, challenging traditional psychological narratives around the practice. Read the study

Do you have any recommendations for articles or books?
Let the community know by commenting below.

Final thoughts

Self-acceptance as a sub is an evolving process. Understanding that your submissive role in BDSM is a consensual act, separate from the complexities of societal roles can go a long way in helping you reconcile with and embrace your submissive desires.

Comming up…

• Establishing and communicating your boundaries and limits
• How to be a good sub in different types of D/s relationships
• Skills and techniques to enhance your submissive role

See you in the next lesson!