What is a “Good Sub”?

What is a “Good Sub” and How to Be One

The idea of a “good sub” often varies from one D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship to another, influenced by the individual preferences, boundaries, and emotional needs of both the Dom and the sub. This lesson aims to explore what makes a “good sub,” acknowledging the emotional and psychological aspects, in addition to the more technical skills.

What is a “Good Sub”?

Being a “good sub” is not solely about following commands and meeting your Dom’s expectations. It’s about mutual respect, understanding, and a shared experience of pleasure and growth.

• For the Dominant: The ability to listen and follow instructions, be emotionally available, and show enthusiasm in the dynamic.
• For Yourself: Respecting your own limits, honouring your needs, and deriving genuine enjoyment and emotional satisfaction from your submissive role.

Context-Dependence

What makes a “good sub” can change depending on the context:

• In a casual play session, a “good sub” might mean someone attentive and responsive.
• In a long-term D/s relationship, it might also include emotional availability, a deep sense of trust, and shared life goals.

Emotional and Psychological Aspects

Being a “good sub” transcends the physical acts involved in BDSM. It gets into the realms of emotional safety, self-awareness, and psychological well-being.

• Trust: Cultivating an atmosphere of trust with your Dom.
• Mindfulness: Being aware of your emotional state, both during and outside of play.

Pleasing Your Dom without Losing Yourself

Satisfying your Dom’s needs should never be at the expense of your own needs and boundaries.

• Negotiation: Before you enter a scene, discuss boundaries and expectations. We cover this in more detail in Module 3: Communication Skills: Expressing Your Desires.
• Check-ins: Regular emotional and physical check-ins can help to ensure that everyone is comfortable with the ongoing activities. We’ll talk in more detail about check-ins in a few of the following lessons.

Homework

1. Self-Assessment: Communication and self-awareness are paramount to being a “good sub” — this is about knowing what you want and what you don’t want and having the confidence to communicate it. If you’d like, you can take your kink personality test at https://bdsmtest.org. You can use the results for to give to Doms or profiles on sites on Fetlife.com, Feeld, etc. to quickly inform people of your kink personality type(s). If the test isn’t for you, then write a list of your desires and limits and rate them 1 to 10.
2. Discussion: Choose 1–3 desires on your list to discuss them with your partner or trusted friend, as well as your limits and any concerns you may have. Cultivating a healthy D/s relationship is a process. It is helpful to take things slow and in manageable pieces. Don’t try to do everything all at once. 
3. Journaling: Reflect on your discussion and/or scene and write down what went well and whether there is anything you would like to revisit or check in about with your partner.

Final Thoughts

A “good sub” is a concept that can be fluid, changing according to the dynamics of your relationship with your Dom and with yourself. It incorporates emotional, psychological, and technical aspects to create a holistic, satisfying experience.

Coming up…

• You’ll explore the various roles that you can adopt in BDSM dynamics.
• Establishing and communicating your boundaries and limits.
• How to be a good sub in different types of D/s relationships.
• Practical skills and techniques to enhance your submissive role.

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